1
00:00:00,885 --> 00:00:02,470
<i>Hey, you guys,
what are you doing tonight?</i>

2
00:00:02,553 --> 00:00:03,735
<i>What the hell kind
of question is that?</i>

3
00:00:03,818 --> 00:00:05,616
<i>Yeah, you're asking us
to predict the future, Dee.</i>

4
00:00:05,699 --> 00:00:07,010
How can I predict the future?

5
00:00:07,816 --> 00:00:09,868
Well, there's a new martini
bar opening up downtown.

6
00:00:09,951 --> 00:00:11,641
I thought maybe we could do
something different tonight.

7
00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:13,588
Where is this shit coming from?

8
00:00:13,671 --> 00:00:15,599
She just watched that stupid
"Sex and the City" movie.

9
00:00:15,758 --> 00:00:17,877
Oh, my God,
when will that show die?

10
00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:18,860
Never, apparently.

11
00:00:18,944 --> 00:00:21,813
Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago
when that show first came on the air.

12
00:00:21,895 --> 00:00:23,572
Nobody wants to play
"Sex and the City" with you.

13
00:00:23,655 --> 00:00:24,922
Come on, Charlie.

14
00:00:25,009 --> 00:00:25,993
You know you did it.

15
00:00:26,095 --> 00:00:27,941
- Fess up!
- I did not poop the bed!

16
00:00:29,425 --> 00:00:30,710
- Rewind.
- What?

17
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:31,632
I'm sorry.

18
00:00:31,718 --> 00:00:33,992
Did you say something about
pooping in a bed?

19
00:00:34,156 --> 00:00:36,642
Yeah, there was some poop
in our bed this morning.

20
00:00:36,778 --> 00:00:37,432
Oh, Jesus.

21
00:00:37,517 --> 00:00:38,462
And Charlie did it.

22
00:00:38,547 --> 00:00:39,270
That is bullshit!

23
00:00:39,948 --> 00:00:41,632
Guys, hold on a second.
Relax!

24
00:00:41,715 --> 00:00:43,671
Walk us through what happened.
Nice and slow.

25
00:00:43,757 --> 00:00:46,212
Well, yesterday we wake up and
there's a piece of poop right

26
00:00:46,305 --> 00:00:47,561
in the middle of
me and Frank, okay?

27
00:00:47,645 --> 00:00:49,603
Wait a minute, so this happened
two nights in a row?

28
00:00:50,477 --> 00:00:53,263
So we threw the first piece of
poop out 'cause big deal, whatever.

29
00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:54,650
Accidents happen, right?

30
00:00:54,735 --> 00:00:57,220
But then this morning, there's another
piece of poop in the exact same spot

31
00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,731
Now, Frank says it's not him.

32
00:00:58,815 --> 00:01:01,433
I say it's not me, but you bet
your ass it's one of us.

33
00:01:01,517 --> 00:01:02,712
This is a lot to handle.

34
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,661
Now, the second poop,
you held onto it, right?

35
00:01:04,745 --> 00:01:06,010
Brought it along.

36
00:01:06,508 --> 00:01:08,951
Dee, when we said we can't
predict the future, how could we

37
00:01:09,046 --> 00:01:10,351
possibly have seen something
this awesome coming?

38
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,112
Yeah, we're going to have
to clear our schedules.

39
00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:12,651
What?!

40
00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:13,933
This is going to require
a lot of attention.

41
00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:15,191
You're not going to go out
with me tonight 'cause

42
00:01:15,278 --> 00:01:17,110
these idiots found
two poopies in a bed?

43
00:01:17,835 --> 00:01:19,410
But it's not the poop.

44
00:01:19,495 --> 00:01:22,180
It's the mystery
behind the poop.

45
00:01:23,135 --> 00:01:25,400
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x07:
"Who Pooped The Bed?"

46
00:01:28,056 --> 00:01:35,633
Synchro : Sososeries
The Bitches Team

47
00:01:37,295 --> 00:01:42,653
www.forom.com

48
00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,063
Hey, girlfriend!

49
00:01:59,148 --> 00:02:00,710
Oh, my God, you scared me!

50
00:02:00,795 --> 00:02:01,950
Did I? My bad.

51
00:02:02,128 --> 00:02:03,632
Why did you jump out from
behind a car?

52
00:02:03,717 --> 00:02:05,770
- Were you stalking me?
- Girlfriend, you're crazy.

53
00:02:05,857 --> 00:02:07,283
- Stop calling me "girlfriend."
- So check it:

54
00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:08,871
putting together
a girl night out.

55
00:02:08,955 --> 00:02:09,791
Want you to come.

56
00:02:09,965 --> 00:02:12,163
Oh, my God, why would
I ever go out with you?

57
00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:12,701
I hate you.

58
00:02:12,785 --> 00:02:14,881
I know. I hate you, too.

59
00:02:14,965 --> 00:02:17,100
That's the way girls are.
We're catty.

60
00:02:17,188 --> 00:02:20,852
We backstab and talk about each
other behind our backs and stalk.

61
00:02:20,935 --> 00:02:24,300
Don't you remember how Samantha
and Carrie and the dykey redhead

62
00:02:24,397 --> 00:02:25,361
used to do that kind of fun stuff?

63
00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,392
I don't know who you're
talking about.

64
00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:28,381
Sex and the City.

65
00:02:29,586 --> 00:02:30,861
You are the worst.

66
00:02:30,946 --> 00:02:32,460
Look, I know you're going to be
alone tonight, okay?

67
00:02:32,546 --> 00:02:34,832
I read all about it in the notebook
Charlie keeps of your whereabouts.

68
00:02:34,917 --> 00:02:36,592
- You don't have any friends.
- I have a ton of friends.

69
00:02:36,678 --> 00:02:37,453
Name one friend.

70
00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:41,303
Frederick is your cat and he
died three weeks ago.

71
00:02:41,388 --> 00:02:43,020
Look, it's all here in the
notebook, so stop busting

72
00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,513
my balls and let's go
meet some men.

73
00:02:44,595 --> 00:02:45,130
Give me that notebook.

74
00:02:45,217 --> 00:02:46,022
I'm not gonna give you the
notebook.

75
00:02:46,108 --> 00:02:47,873
Don't reach for the notebook.

76
00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:51,352
I'll give you the notebook if
you come out with me tonight.

77
00:02:53,786 --> 00:02:55,743
- Fine.
- Fine! See you tonight!

78
00:03:15,257 --> 00:03:16,610
You want me to do what?

79
00:03:17,266 --> 00:03:19,433
We want you
to examine our poopie.

80
00:03:19,746 --> 00:03:21,560
We just want to know
who it came from.

81
00:03:21,647 --> 00:03:22,120
That's it.

82
00:03:22,206 --> 00:03:23,981
I mean... Now, we don't
presume to be scientists.

83
00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,012
That's why we brought it to you.

84
00:03:25,107 --> 00:03:27,031
We assume there's some kind of test
you can run with some of these machine.

85
00:03:27,117 --> 00:03:29,893
You don't actually have to do
any tests 'cause I already know

86
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,390
it's Charlie's poop and not
mine.

87
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:34,902
You have a hole in the back
of your pajamas.

88
00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:35,540
It's not my poop!

89
00:03:35,627 --> 00:03:37,071
You've been sleeping
in a giant dress shirt.

90
00:03:37,168 --> 00:03:39,042
It probably just fell out
the bottom of it.

91
00:03:39,128 --> 00:03:41,941
Okay, clearly, we need to figure
this out before it tears us apart.

92
00:03:42,028 --> 00:03:43,982
The only way for us to get to
the bottom of this is for you

93
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,552
to tear that poop apart and tell us
what's inside of it.

94
00:03:45,637 --> 00:03:47,350
You know, get inside there.

95
00:03:47,678 --> 00:03:51,040
You want me to examine a
plastic container full of feces?

96
00:03:53,555 --> 00:03:55,152
I feel like you're going to
say something else right there

97
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:56,542
and then you stopped, right?

98
00:03:56,727 --> 00:03:57,693
Please get out of my lab.

99
00:03:57,886 --> 00:03:58,980
That wasn't what
he was going to say.

100
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,160
Man, why'd you have to go there?

101
00:04:00,257 --> 00:04:01,191
Look, it's a simple job.

102
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,952
By the way, there's no
reason to be harsh.

103
00:04:03,038 --> 00:04:04,441
Tiny little simple poop test!

104
00:04:04,526 --> 00:04:06,843
You just missed out on an
extraordinary adventure, pal.

105
00:04:06,926 --> 00:04:07,700
Let's get out of here.

106
00:04:07,787 --> 00:04:09,731
There's other ways to
figure this out.

107
00:04:09,995 --> 00:04:10,763
Pussy!

108
00:04:18,827 --> 00:04:19,903
You got turd?

109
00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:21,361
Yeah, we got a turd.

110
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,932
I'll take a look at it.

111
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:28,753
Okay, well... it's definitely poop.

112
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:31,141
Uh, yeah, we know that, guy.

113
00:04:32,937 --> 00:04:35,570
Whoever it was seems to have
been eating newspaper.

114
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:37,833
All right, well, now we're
getting somewhere.

115
00:04:37,925 --> 00:04:39,593
Which one of you idiots was
eating a goddamn newspaper?

116
00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:40,792
It's gonna go both ways, dude.

117
00:04:40,877 --> 00:04:41,912
- Really?
- I'm sorry, yeah.

118
00:04:41,997 --> 00:04:42,891
What else? What else?

119
00:04:42,987 --> 00:04:44,303
This appears to be a piece
of a credit card.

120
00:04:45,017 --> 00:04:46,353
Inconclusive.

121
00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:48,452
How is that not specific
to one of you?

122
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,041
I wish it was, man, but
that's inconclusive.

123
00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:51,292
But you've got to...

124
00:04:51,376 --> 00:04:53,640
There's a good deal
of blood in this stool.

125
00:04:53,738 --> 00:04:54,482
Of course there is.

126
00:04:54,565 --> 00:04:55,971
Whoever's it is should see a doctor.

127
00:04:56,056 --> 00:04:57,221
Well, don't give us judgments.

128
00:04:57,308 --> 00:04:58,952
Just tell us what's in there.

129
00:04:59,038 --> 00:04:59,602
What else?

130
00:05:00,336 --> 00:05:01,600
- This is wolf hair.
- Wolf air.

131
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,473
Also inconclusive.

132
00:05:03,755 --> 00:05:04,411
Jesus Christ!

133
00:05:04,498 --> 00:05:06,713
There is so much wolf hair in
our apartment right now, man.

134
00:05:06,795 --> 00:05:07,850
But why are you eating it?

135
00:05:07,938 --> 00:05:09,362
Well, you ingest everything.

136
00:05:09,455 --> 00:05:10,682
Both of you are eating wolf?

137
00:05:10,766 --> 00:05:11,901
Have you tried it before?

138
00:05:11,987 --> 00:05:12,933
All right, guys!

139
00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:14,483
This is getting us nowhere.

140
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:15,791
Can we move on
to the DNA test, please?

141
00:05:15,878 --> 00:05:16,843
That's a good idea.

142
00:05:16,928 --> 00:05:17,642
DNA's good.

143
00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:18,570
Yeah, I can't do that.

144
00:05:18,664 --> 00:05:19,273
What do you mean?

145
00:05:19,365 --> 00:05:20,932
- Aren't you a scientist?
- Yeah, do it.

146
00:05:21,205 --> 00:05:22,292
No, I'm an Econ major.

147
00:05:22,379 --> 00:05:23,912
I just wanted to look
at some poop.

148
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,381
You're not a scientist?!

149
00:05:26,468 --> 00:05:27,451
I never said I was a scientist.

150
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:28,833
Bro, you have wasted out time.

151
00:05:28,916 --> 00:05:29,923
You have ruined our turd.

152
00:05:30,006 --> 00:05:31,422
That's the only piece of
evidence that we have.

153
00:05:36,816 --> 00:05:38,071
Who is she again?

154
00:05:38,257 --> 00:05:39,491
Oh, that's Artemis.

155
00:05:39,588 --> 00:05:42,501
She's the sassy one who always
plays by her own rules.

156
00:05:42,588 --> 00:05:44,071
Guys are playing hard to get.

157
00:05:44,155 --> 00:05:46,303
I'm gonna take off
my bra, blast my nips.

158
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:47,602
Okay, let's hold on that.

159
00:05:47,688 --> 00:05:50,161
I think what we need to do
is just talk and have fun.

160
00:05:50,255 --> 00:05:51,771
Bring 'em to us, you know?

161
00:05:51,867 --> 00:05:54,101
So Artemis, where'd you get
that great top?

162
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,713
Burmington Coat Factory.

163
00:05:55,795 --> 00:05:58,013
I got it on sale.
It's irregular.

164
00:06:01,545 --> 00:06:02,481
Excuse me!

165
00:06:02,688 --> 00:06:04,290
Hi, can we get
three Cosmos, please?

166
00:06:04,375 --> 00:06:05,523
Actually, make mine a water.

167
00:06:05,605 --> 00:06:06,951
Water? We're in a bar.

168
00:06:07,047 --> 00:06:08,392
Yeah, well, I have
a drinking problem.

169
00:06:08,477 --> 00:06:11,171
That's a horribly unattractive
thing to announce to everybody.

170
00:06:11,255 --> 00:06:12,840
I'd like a water, please.

171
00:06:12,927 --> 00:06:14,440
She'll take a Cosmo and
she'll just hold it in her hand.

172
00:06:14,527 --> 00:06:15,833
- That's fine.
- That is a terrible idea.

173
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,802
It's a pretty good idea if you
want to get that notebook back.

174
00:06:17,885 --> 00:06:19,270
Yeah, I'll take a Jager Bomb.

175
00:06:19,357 --> 00:06:20,760
No Jager Bombs.

176
00:06:20,855 --> 00:06:22,100
Fine, Irish Car Bomb.

177
00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:23,051
Sake Bomb?

178
00:06:23,135 --> 00:06:25,201
Nothing with "bombs"
in the name, okay?

179
00:06:25,298 --> 00:06:26,531
Please, the Cosmos.

180
00:06:26,617 --> 00:06:27,650
Go get the Cosmos.

181
00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:28,803
Thanks a lot.

182
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:29,882
Goddamn it!

183
00:06:30,816 --> 00:06:32,681
Hottie alert at 2:00.

184
00:06:32,776 --> 00:06:33,930
Here they come. Incoming.

185
00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:35,200
Okay, let me do the talking.

186
00:06:35,298 --> 00:06:36,103
What's up, ladies?

187
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,482
Not much, just enjoying the view.

188
00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:39,763
Name's Artemis.

189
00:06:40,176 --> 00:06:42,203
I have a bleached asshole.

190
00:06:45,636 --> 00:06:49,302
Okay, it's time to move on to
the reenactment and dramatization.

191
00:06:49,385 --> 00:06:51,153
Jesus Christ, Frank,
you sleep in that?

192
00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:52,413
My legs get hot.

193
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,243
Well, I definitely see how something
could have slipped out of there.

194
00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:54,932
Absolutely.

195
00:06:55,026 --> 00:06:56,871
That would have fallen right
out in the middle of the bed.

196
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:58,571
What about Charlie's hole?

197
00:06:58,805 --> 00:07:01,051
Just get into the bed, please, and
show us how you sleep, guys.

198
00:07:03,518 --> 00:07:05,401
Well, right off the bat,
I think there's a clear solution

199
00:07:05,487 --> 00:07:06,763
could have prevented
this entire thing.

200
00:07:06,855 --> 00:07:08,113
You guys need to get two beds.

201
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,962
Oh, maybe I'll get two TVs
and two refrigerators.

202
00:07:11,046 --> 00:07:12,123
What are you talking about?

203
00:07:12,208 --> 00:07:13,971
Do we come to your house
and tell you how to sleep?

204
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:16,103
I sleep in a king-sized bed
by myself.

205
00:07:16,196 --> 00:07:18,061
When I have to go to the
bathroom, I use a toilet.

206
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,573
Look at... He... Dennis on
his bed made for kings

207
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,073
with his toilet made out of gold.

208
00:07:22,155 --> 00:07:24,173
Okay, guys, everybody calm
down, please.

209
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:25,853
This is not about lifestyle.

210
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,310
This is not about judgments.

211
00:07:27,396 --> 00:07:29,032
This is about truth, okay?

212
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,762
Now, Charlie and Frank, show us
how you were positioned

213
00:07:31,857 --> 00:07:32,822
the night of the incident.

214
00:07:32,908 --> 00:07:34,620
Excuse me. Incidents.

215
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,533
All right, well, I'm pretty sure
I was sleeping like this that night.

216
00:07:37,616 --> 00:07:39,210
It's just, like, no way it
could have been me.

217
00:07:39,305 --> 00:07:42,660
Charlie, we sleep ass to ass,
you know that.

218
00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:43,442
Oh, great.

219
00:07:43,527 --> 00:07:45,531
Okay, clearly, we're having
a problem with honesty here.

220
00:07:45,626 --> 00:07:46,642
Dennis, a word.

221
00:07:48,745 --> 00:07:50,231
I hate to say it, bro, but
I think we're gonna have

222
00:07:50,316 --> 00:07:51,653
to do an overnight observation.

223
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,642
Yeah, well, to be honest with
you, I wouldn't mind seeing how

224
00:07:53,728 --> 00:07:55,101
this whole situation really works.

225
00:07:55,187 --> 00:07:56,260
Fascinating.

226
00:08:06,926 --> 00:08:09,890
Well, this just gets weirder
and weirder, man.

227
00:08:13,487 --> 00:08:14,452
Anything?

228
00:08:14,686 --> 00:08:15,543
Nothing.

229
00:08:15,838 --> 00:08:16,862
False alarm.

230
00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:19,393
Damn it, dude, we can't keep
doing this all night.

231
00:08:19,476 --> 00:08:20,671
Oh, I know. You know what.

232
00:08:20,755 --> 00:08:22,183
Why don't we sleep in shifts?

233
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:24,061
Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying
this isn't important work

234
00:08:24,146 --> 00:08:25,622
- but I can't keep my eyes open.
- No, I hear you.

235
00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:26,691
I hear you. I hear you.

236
00:08:26,928 --> 00:08:28,022
All right, I'll tell you what.

237
00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:30,360
You go ahead and go first.
I still got a little energy left.

238
00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:32,560
I don't know about
this floor, Dennis.

239
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,913
It's covered in sand or something.

240
00:08:34,005 --> 00:08:35,913
No. It smells like some
kind of spice blend or pesticide,

241
00:08:36,005 --> 00:08:38,082
or some other kind of
sandy poison or something.

242
00:08:38,177 --> 00:08:40,161
I don't know. I wouldn't sleep
on the floor, though.

243
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,160
- You got to sleep with them?
- You got to, you got to.

244
00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:43,563
You sure you're all right?

245
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,512
- Yeah, I'm fine. I got it.
- You sure?

246
00:08:45,596 --> 00:08:48,603
Okay, I'm just gonna sleep for,
like, 15 minutes, right?

247
00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:51,402
And then you wake me up, and
then we'll switch it off.

248
00:08:51,677 --> 00:08:53,423
- You good?
- I'm fine.

249
00:08:54,488 --> 00:08:55,440
My God.

250
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,050
My God!

251
00:09:20,188 --> 00:09:22,523
If we're going to be
meeting sophisticated men,

252
00:09:22,606 --> 00:09:24,101
we need to start
acting with class.

253
00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:26,823
We cannot be telling people that
we have bleached assholes.

254
00:09:26,905 --> 00:09:28,503
He was gonna find out anyway.

255
00:09:28,598 --> 00:09:29,100
Oh, my God.

256
00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:31,863
And you, you shouldn't be
drinking in a shoe store.

257
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,502
You shouldn't be drinking
in a shoe store.

258
00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:36,420
What is the matter with you?
I told you to pace yourself.

259
00:09:36,506 --> 00:09:37,932
I have a drinking problem.

260
00:09:38,018 --> 00:09:39,910
Well, then, you should know how
to hold your booze a little better.

261
00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,272
I'll hold your boobs
a little better.

262
00:09:42,356 --> 00:09:43,143
Oh, good one.

263
00:09:43,226 --> 00:09:44,330
Ladies, can I help you?

264
00:09:44,416 --> 00:09:46,043
Hello. We are here for the Manolos.

265
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,933
- And what's your shoe size?
- 13.

266
00:09:49,265 --> 00:09:51,371
We don't carry shoes that large.

267
00:09:51,607 --> 00:09:54,591
Perhaps you'd like to try the
Big and Tall store down the street?

268
00:09:54,687 --> 00:09:55,822
You know what?

269
00:09:56,085 --> 00:09:58,923
I don't like this bitch's attitude.

270
00:10:02,598 --> 00:10:05,163
Did she just try and break
a bottle over my head?

271
00:10:05,248 --> 00:10:06,620
No, of course she didn't.

272
00:10:06,717 --> 00:10:08,492
Girls, I'll meet you outside.

273
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:09,703
Get her.

274
00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:16,050
Okay. Just the littlest bit snug,
aren't they?

275
00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:18,560
There we go.

276
00:10:18,795 --> 00:10:19,772
Cute, though, huh?

277
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:20,912
How much?

278
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:22,643
- 700.
- 700?

279
00:10:22,728 --> 00:10:24,340
Yes, well, I'll tell you what.

280
00:10:24,427 --> 00:10:27,132
You pay for quality 'cause there's
so much crap out there these days.

281
00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:31,602
Man, I am excited to bust my
dogs out in these tonight.

282
00:10:32,248 --> 00:10:35,042
We're going to a French
restaurant... Le Bistro.

283
00:10:35,128 --> 00:10:35,870
It's five stars, so...

284
00:10:35,957 --> 00:10:37,530
I don't know if you've been to it.

285
00:10:37,615 --> 00:10:39,273
That sounds great, but
this has been declined.

286
00:10:39,358 --> 00:10:40,370
Declined?

287
00:10:40,455 --> 00:10:41,953
You're kidding me!

288
00:10:42,318 --> 00:10:43,863
Oh! Makes me so mad.

289
00:10:43,948 --> 00:10:47,310
Like, the credit card companies...
the way they waste your time.

290
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,211
Probably protecting me.
I spent a lot of money today.

291
00:10:49,307 --> 00:10:50,180
Try that one.

292
00:10:51,815 --> 00:10:52,953
Excuse me.

293
00:11:00,466 --> 00:11:01,370
Oh, God.

294
00:11:03,478 --> 00:11:04,971
Did it not go through?

295
00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:09,970
What motive could a man possibly
have for pooping where he sleeps?

296
00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:13,182
- I love that bed.
- Don't buy this act.

297
00:11:13,268 --> 00:11:15,852
Frank, I will jam that poop right back
up your ass where it came from.

298
00:11:15,987 --> 00:11:16,890
You know in that bed...

299
00:11:16,975 --> 00:11:20,203
Guys, guys, guys, clearly, we're
exhausted and full of emotion,

300
00:11:20,717 --> 00:11:22,702
but we should not be
threatening each other with

301
00:11:22,795 --> 00:11:24,902
jamming feces into
each other's assholes, okay?

302
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,551
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.

303
00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,551
What if we had them
produce another sample,

304
00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:30,532
and we cross-reference the samples?

305
00:11:32,037 --> 00:11:35,360
They'd have to do it in front
of us so that there's no foul play.

306
00:11:36,416 --> 00:11:37,622
I can't go now.

307
00:11:37,705 --> 00:11:38,650
Really?

308
00:11:38,736 --> 00:11:40,430
I could probably squeeze
something out.

309
00:11:40,517 --> 00:11:42,351
I'll get some newspaper.

310
00:11:42,438 --> 00:11:43,161
This is exciting.

311
00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:44,611
This is very exciting.

312
00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:46,591
Why, of all places, are we here?

313
00:11:46,678 --> 00:11:49,323
Because it's your bar, and
we're gonna drink for free.

314
00:11:49,406 --> 00:11:51,032
Well, damn it, waitress,
that is not what I wanted.

315
00:11:51,215 --> 00:11:54,751
How? How do you still not
know what my name is?!

316
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:55,552
Oh, I'm sorry.

317
00:11:55,638 --> 00:11:57,100
I'm supposed to
be expected to rember

318
00:11:57,187 --> 00:11:59,590
everyone's name
at all moments of the day.

319
00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:02,453
This is the opposite of where
we're supposed to be.

320
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:09,053
Oh, Dee, we were just on
the verge of a major breakthrough.

321
00:12:09,136 --> 00:12:10,142
He was turtle-heading.

322
00:12:10,226 --> 00:12:10,982
Turtle-heading!

323
00:12:11,077 --> 00:12:13,042
No, there was no turtles anywhere.

324
00:12:13,137 --> 00:12:14,690
Were you just pooping on the floor?

325
00:12:14,778 --> 00:12:15,450
No, I was not.

326
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,931
That was an endurance contest,
which I won, by the way...

327
00:12:18,017 --> 00:12:19,901
- You're paying for that.
- She doesn't have to pay for that.

328
00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:21,243
- Yes, she does.
- Bite me, asshole.

329
00:12:21,328 --> 00:12:23,351
You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking.

330
00:12:23,448 --> 00:12:27,450
You have a bad attitude when
you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

331
00:12:27,627 --> 00:12:28,380
You know what?

332
00:12:28,477 --> 00:12:32,052
I'm just gonna go get more wasted,
and then I'm gonna bang some rim, dude.

333
00:12:32,138 --> 00:12:33,382
Really? Could it be this guy?

334
00:12:33,468 --> 00:12:35,043
No, it can't, but it could be Dennis.

335
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:35,933
Pass.

336
00:12:36,027 --> 00:12:37,913
Whatever. You know what?

337
00:12:37,996 --> 00:12:39,250
I'm gonna take this.

338
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,841
I'm gonna take this, and
I'll see you assholes later.

339
00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:45,702
- That is my notebook.
- Free coffee for a year.

340
00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:47,162
Wait a second.
Where did she get my note?

341
00:12:47,245 --> 00:12:48,683
- You know what? I have backups.
- What is with her?

342
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:49,992
Something about drinking.

343
00:12:50,087 --> 00:12:51,522
She just won't
stop talking about it.

344
00:12:51,615 --> 00:12:53,503
- What, the plates of shit?
- Somebody pooped the bed.

345
00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:54,522
Whatever. Let's get out of here.

346
00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:58,491
We could use a fresh set
of eyes on this if you don't mind.

347
00:12:58,585 --> 00:12:59,243
No, thank you.

348
00:12:59,328 --> 00:13:02,291
I think that Artemis and I have
much better things to do, thank you.

349
00:13:02,388 --> 00:13:04,610
Actually, I'm just
gonna stick around.

350
00:13:04,705 --> 00:13:05,241
Excuse me?

351
00:13:05,325 --> 00:13:06,490
- You know.
- Are you kidding me?

352
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,612
You know what?
Forget it, okay?

353
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:09,731
I'm gonna do this by myself.

354
00:13:09,817 --> 00:13:12,072
I'm gonna go find some classy,
sophisticated people who can

355
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:14,652
hold their booze, who don't talk
about their bleached assholes,

356
00:13:14,735 --> 00:13:16,791
and who aren't
obsessed with poop.

357
00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:20,761
Okay, bring me up
to speed here, boys.

358
00:13:32,987 --> 00:13:34,503
This is an interesting piece.

359
00:13:35,218 --> 00:13:36,530
I love his use of space.

360
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:38,850
The space... that's what
I loved about it.

361
00:13:38,936 --> 00:13:41,810
What do you think the chunky
earth tones represent?

362
00:13:42,926 --> 00:13:45,730
Look at the rich texture,
the dimensions.

363
00:13:46,388 --> 00:13:47,640
It's almost as if
you can smell it.

364
00:13:47,738 --> 00:13:48,800
Oh, God...

365
00:13:48,897 --> 00:13:51,131
This is the piece
I was telling you about.

366
00:13:51,216 --> 00:13:52,622
It's unbelievable...

367
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:56,210
and so raw, so base,
so utterly human.

368
00:13:56,505 --> 00:13:58,773
It's almost as if
it exploded out of the artist.

369
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:01,453
Well... I think it's crap.

370
00:14:02,948 --> 00:14:03,760
Crap...

371
00:14:07,186 --> 00:14:08,153
Crap...

372
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:09,241
Crap...

373
00:14:11,437 --> 00:14:12,270
Crap...

374
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:32,683
You know what?

375
00:14:32,768 --> 00:14:35,421
Guys, let's just wrap up the evidence
and start again fresh tomorrow.

376
00:14:36,306 --> 00:14:38,112
You think they'll keep, or
should we put them in the fridge?

377
00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:40,083
They'll keep fine.

378
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:45,372
You know what?

379
00:14:45,456 --> 00:14:46,832
You guys win, all right?

380
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:47,672
Are you happy?

381
00:14:47,768 --> 00:14:48,550
Win what?

382
00:14:50,118 --> 00:14:51,131
Heart failure!

383
00:14:51,435 --> 00:14:52,931
Check the circuit breaker.

384
00:14:58,146 --> 00:14:59,560
Nobody move!

385
00:15:00,148 --> 00:15:01,920
Everyone here's a suspect.

386
00:15:04,075 --> 00:15:05,591
Put on another pot of coffee.

387
00:15:06,485 --> 00:15:08,220
It's gonna be a long night.

388
00:15:16,577 --> 00:15:20,232
Four turds, five suspects,

389
00:15:20,966 --> 00:15:24,440
so many, many nameless victims.

390
00:15:28,348 --> 00:15:30,920
The first poop was obviously Frank.

391
00:15:31,006 --> 00:15:33,700
Old and weak, he had
an accident, that's why

392
00:15:33,785 --> 00:15:35,790
he was so intent on destroying it.

393
00:15:35,987 --> 00:15:38,003
There were many turds before
this one, weren't there, Frank?

394
00:15:38,086 --> 00:15:40,663
This was just the first time
you got caught, wasn't it?

395
00:15:40,746 --> 00:15:43,681
And then you went and did it
again the next night?

396
00:15:44,827 --> 00:15:46,031
Or did you?

397
00:15:46,735 --> 00:15:48,330
Two poops in two nights?

398
00:15:48,905 --> 00:15:51,740
Tall order for such a short man.

399
00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:56,973
No. The second poop belonged
to Charles.

400
00:15:57,137 --> 00:16:00,031
He wanted to get back at Frank,
but due to his poor diet,

401
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,520
couldn't produce a turd.

402
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:05,041
So he called Mac, who jumped
at the chance to see

403
00:16:05,127 --> 00:16:07,152
Frank humiliated one more time.

404
00:16:07,376 --> 00:16:11,671
But Charlie overlooked the fact that
Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls

405
00:16:11,755 --> 00:16:13,642
and he heard every word.

406
00:16:14,095 --> 00:16:17,511
Dennis was jealous that Charlie had
chosen Mac to help instead of him.

407
00:16:17,778 --> 00:16:20,491
He swore to have his revenge.

408
00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:23,612
That's why encouraged Mac
to sleep while he stayed up.

409
00:16:23,705 --> 00:16:26,992
He was going to put the frame on
Mac by pooping next to him.

410
00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:31,003
But he didn't realize that
a futon slept on by the weight of

411
00:16:31,088 --> 00:16:34,950
three men would be off its axis
and slope to the center.

412
00:16:35,725 --> 00:16:37,633
And like a small brown snail...

413
00:16:38,656 --> 00:16:42,450
it crept to the middle between
Charlie and Frank.

414
00:16:44,125 --> 00:16:47,911
Deandra! You wanted in on
this poop war from the start.

415
00:16:47,995 --> 00:16:48,790
No, I didn't.

416
00:16:48,965 --> 00:16:49,580
The outcast?

417
00:16:50,097 --> 00:16:50,992
The slut?

418
00:16:51,297 --> 00:16:52,242
The bitch.

419
00:16:52,498 --> 00:16:53,453
The whore.

420
00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:56,491
The lonely, sad, slutty,
bitchy whore.

421
00:16:56,985 --> 00:17:00,602
You sat on the sidelines while
these four titans battled it out.

422
00:17:00,688 --> 00:17:04,071
You were jealous that a few pieces
of poop got more attention than you.

423
00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:07,970
That's why when the lights went out,
you unleashed some thunder of you own.

424
00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,562
Thunder of the...

425
00:17:10,017 --> 00:17:11,640
chocolate variety.

426
00:17:13,937 --> 00:17:16,013
Oh, well, that would be
fine and dandy...

427
00:17:16,586 --> 00:17:18,110
if any of it were true.

428
00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:21,210
Can we wrap this up at some point?

429
00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:22,951
In due time, pretty face.

430
00:17:23,838 --> 00:17:25,103
In due time.

431
00:17:27,407 --> 00:17:30,661
Isn't it true you thought you'd been
pooping the bed for months now?

432
00:17:30,755 --> 00:17:33,920
You chalked it up to your old
plumbing and penchant for spicy foods.

433
00:17:34,005 --> 00:17:36,213
Morning after morning, you'd
bury your poop after you rose

434
00:17:36,296 --> 00:17:37,842
to hide it from Charlie.

435
00:17:37,927 --> 00:17:41,223
But... convinced that Charlie had
discovered his dirty little secret,

436
00:17:41,315 --> 00:17:43,523
Frank pooped the bed again
the next night as revenge,

437
00:17:43,735 --> 00:17:46,333
only a lot more came out
than he expected.

438
00:17:46,625 --> 00:17:48,130
He had gone too far.

439
00:17:48,216 --> 00:17:49,563
I've gone too far.

440
00:17:49,837 --> 00:17:52,150
Due to the size and severity
of the poop, Frank concluded

441
00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:54,743
that Charlie had been pooping
the bed all along.

442
00:17:54,827 --> 00:17:57,192
And so he cleaned up the mess
and wandered the streets,

443
00:17:57,275 --> 00:17:59,813
looking for someone who could
replicate Charlie's small

444
00:17:59,908 --> 00:18:01,383
and malnourished turd.

445
00:18:01,465 --> 00:18:05,153
And that's where he came upon
his old friend, Rickety Cricket.

446
00:18:05,247 --> 00:18:05,871
Get up!

447
00:18:05,957 --> 00:18:09,273
Known the world over for his
ability to replicate any man's stool,

448
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:13,112
Cricket came back
and committed fecal forgery.

449
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,530
Which leads us to the third turd.

450
00:18:16,217 --> 00:18:18,612
Dennis and Mac thought it'd be
funny to put the frame on Frank

451
00:18:18,707 --> 00:18:20,362
and Charlie,
and so they both pooped.

452
00:18:20,526 --> 00:18:27,062
But, as so often happens, the poop
rolled together and two became one.

453
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,532
A turd merger...

454
00:18:28,765 --> 00:18:32,733
fused together by fear and
hatred... and hair.

455
00:18:33,326 --> 00:18:35,301
But on to the final poop!

456
00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:38,362
A poop that can
be traced back to Dee!

457
00:18:38,778 --> 00:18:40,792
But not to her butt.

458
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:46,420
The waitress, drunk out of her
mind and furious that Dee had pushed

459
00:18:46,507 --> 00:18:49,501
her back into the arms of
the bottle, pooped in Dee's purse

460
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,333
while Dee's back was turned.

461
00:18:53,977 --> 00:18:58,102
And Dee carried it unknowingly
until she arrived here and the lights

462
00:18:58,187 --> 00:19:01,241
went out and she was startled,
knocking her purse to the floor,

463
00:19:01,325 --> 00:19:03,572
causing the turd
to tumble where it stands

464
00:19:03,655 --> 00:19:05,911
before us, right now.

465
00:19:08,516 --> 00:19:09,872
So, as you can see,

466
00:19:11,956 --> 00:19:15,861
the mystery of who pooped the bed
has been solved.

467
00:19:16,745 --> 00:19:21,943
And yes my friends, in a way,
you're all guilty.

468
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,001
I did it.

469
00:19:35,185 --> 00:19:36,503
- What?
- I did 'em all.

470
00:19:36,595 --> 00:19:37,453
I did all the poops.

471
00:19:37,555 --> 00:19:39,763
- Really?
- Yeah, I did everyone of them.

472
00:19:39,848 --> 00:19:42,842
I even did one, while
she was rappin us, right here.

473
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:46,013
- Dude!
- Jesus!

474
00:19:46,108 --> 00:19:48,921
God! Why would you do that, dude?

475
00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:50,702
Because poop is funny.

476
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,351
I guess poop is very funny.

477
00:19:55,588 --> 00:19:57,312
- Poop is funny.
- He pooped on the floor.

478
00:19:58,057 --> 00:20:00,431
You know what,
well-played my man!

479
00:20:00,748 --> 00:20:02,120
Well-played!

480
00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:07,371
I hate my life.

481
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,951
Seriously dude, don't ever
poop in our bed again.

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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